I’m a (Recovering) Planner

I am a recovering planner.  I used to find comfort in waking up every day knowing what was going to happen.  I had a checklist for life and I was busy checking those things off – good job (check), nice apartment (check), great friends (check), somebody to spend the rest of my life with (check).  I liked structure, I found comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, some may even argue I am a little bit of a control freak… not that I would ever admit that.  So why recovering?

About 6 months ago the universe decided to (violently) shake up the “perfectly planned” snow globe life I was living in.  A relationship I valued greatly was very publicly destroyed – not only was I mourning the loss of a relationship I thought was indestructible, I was humiliated to be doing so in very public way.  My friend’s brother was then diagnosed with cancer, underwent surgery, and started radiation.  Shortly after that, I lost my aunt – a woman who I looked up to and loved dearly – very unexpectedly and way too soon.  Amidst all of this I had to pack up my entire life and move leaving the dreams and plans I had made behind.

After everything happened I felt like I was suspended between “ok” and “rock bottom” and I was waiting for the world to shift and send me spiraling into the depths of rock bottom.   I played the waiting game wondering what would be the straw that broke the camels back.  Waiting and waiting to hit rock bottom, waiting for “well it can’t get worse than this” to come out of my mouth.  Every day I woke up bracing myself for things to get worse and a funny thing happened – I didn’t get worse, in fact, I got better. 

Getting better didn’t happen over night and it definitely didn’t happen without its ups and downs.  It was a growing and learning process and I am forever changed because of it.  I learned a lot about myself, other people, and why maybe planning isn’t always such a good idea.  I knew I always had a great support system but I learned I didn’t realize the depth of those relationships until I needed them the most.  I learned it takes special people who have perfect timing with jokes, silence, and hugs to help you pack up your entire life in one day.  I learned the power of asking forgiveness and forgiving myself.  I learned not to take people and relationships for granted, to show appreciation for those around you, and don’t ever count on having another opportunity to tell somebody how much you love them.  Most importantly I learned that planning for something doesn’t always make it come true and in fact sometimes when you let go of everything you had planned you discover a life better than you could have ever imagined.

So welcome to the spontaneous musing of a structured girl – I am so glad you are joining me on this wild and crazy adventure called life!